My Dedication to the King

I remember the time when I fell in love, I was a stranger in Moscow and all I wanted to do was heal the world. I was at a jam after I had been working day and night, that’s when I saw this Liberian girl. She moved like a beauty queen from a movie scene, man was she dangerous!

This pretty young thing was such a dancing machine, her body moved in a way that said: give into me. She pointed at me and mouthed to get on the floor, I wanna rock with you. She said her name was Billie Jean from across the scene all I could say was that I was just someone in the dark. She said you are not alone now let’s burn this disco out.

The way we moved was with a force, the force from inside that made you want to scream. Our motions were an earth song, unbreakable yet off the wall. If sweat was blood, then blood was on the dance floor, blood was on the ceiling.

Everytime I looked into her eyes, I could only express Todo Mi Amor Eres Tu. She smiled and said don’t stop till you get enough as she shook her body down to the ground.

The girl gives me butterflies, I told her I was scared of the moon she said you rock my world. Love is not black or white as I promised I’ll be there if she falls again. She wanted to change the world, I felt we are the world.

Now the girl is mine but as a smooth criminal I knew I would always be bad as I found myself in the back with dirty Diana. I swore that Billy Jean was not my lover she’s just a girl that thinks I am the one. Diana gave me the monkey business smile and asked if I wanna be startin something as we eased on down the road.

Now my love is on the line since Billy Jean asked me who is it? Is it a friend of mine? I screamed baby be mine, it’s human nature. Billy Jean told me to beat it.

Now I’m in a constant state of shock because she’s outta my life and all I can do is talk to the man in the mirror and ask him to change his ways.

Now for some Funk in your Junk

I will tell you this, ain’t no funk in your junk when you crunk up:
The Funk!

Music will always take care of your junk. For me, it is funk music that gets my junk to that next level.

Disclaimer: Funk music is only good in moderation, just like absinthe and porn.

You could be in a junk mood or your junk ain’t feelin’ tha funk and all you need is to crunk up the funk –“increase the volume on your bose speaker system,” for my ‘older’ readers.

It gets you going, in a good mood, randy, or motivated when trying to punch through a day of work. Hell ALL of the above for whatever up-mood you are after.

Don’t believe me about funk music? I dare you to grab some Curtis Mayfield Superfly and Pusherman when you need to punch through some housework or office work. Hell, don’t even get me started on James Brown! Do I even need to mention Commodores?

I know, I know! Commodores was a spring board for Lionel Richie which eventually evolved to Nicole Richie and her rake of a “I can make a ‘movie’, drive drunk, go to jail, cry and be let out for crying cause there’s no crying in minimum security prison” friend who brought us the ever so famous “that’s hot,” phrase… but seriously!


Respect to L-Rich for Dancing on the ceiling. Throw on some Brickhouse or Jungle Boogie and you got yourself a party my friend. And just tell me, tell me you don’t start bouncin’ in your chair!

You see… there are twelve distinct stages of music. Yes I said stages and not categories, read on!

1. Blah-ground. Ish you throw on in the… background and keep on keepin’ on with whatever the hell you were doing –classical music usually
2. Hypnotique/Mindless/Idtss Idtss Idtss. The music that you put on when you are doing a mindless or repetitive task all day –house, trance and all that Swede laced dookie. YA YOU HEARD ME, DJ Tiesto and Moby (call me Ishmael) Dick! Ya I said it!
3. Back in the day. This is the reminiscent stage. The track that makes you do that movie thang where you gaze off into oblivion remembering when you were kings and queens and how sweet it all was.
• From here on in, I will let you insert musical genre as each person has their definition of back in the day or other corresponding genres for the list that follows.
4. Toe/Finger Tap. The early symptoms often go unnoticed. It starts off with your big toe nodding in a squishing motion to the music. Then next your foot starts to tap in rhythmic slowed down heart beat of a bear in hibernation motion. Before you know it your index finger is tapping in correspondence. To an observer, it appears that your your toe is morse coding with your finger.
• This is when the visible body revolution starts. First, it’s your index finger, and then your middle finger joins in on the morse code tapping. Wait a minute, bam! Your whole hand is tapping in a semi drum beat on the table or your lap –but still in heart beat rhythm.
5. Hand Drum. At this point you become conscious that the rhythm has taken over your hand and slowly taking over your body. All you can do is… let it happen.
• This is where the remaining stages emerge taking over all the way to the Woo Stage. Go onnnnnn…..
6. Slow shake to a sway. As your random playlist comes to that song, you know… one of those tracks that gets your head shake ever so slightly in a no, no, no! Don’t stop that sweet track! A symptom of a slow shake to a sway song is that you blink for a longer period –basically you have your eyes closed and your coworkers are wondering if you are sleeping or receiving instructions from the dark one. They then realize that you are shaking your head and swaying because there is a cool breeze which is odd because you are indoors most likely in a maze of cubicles. You are on a next tip if you are swaying like Stevie Wonder, you on the next level or… drunk at work.
7. Hum Muzik. I think this one is self explanatory. Although a disclaimer should be put here because sometimes you hum too loud breaking the hold the rhythm has on you and you are back at square one. Warning this cycle can happen over and over again where you go through stages one to seven throughout the day wondering when it will end –much like purgatory.
8. Head Nod. You find yourself nodding, bobbing to the lyrics and the beat. Your hand drumming is in unison with your toe tapping, hell your other hand has joined the party at this point. You realize this because you clap every now and then –you try and play it off by just softly snapping your fingers. That doesn’t last long because rhythm is a dancer and it has got you by your sweet musical cajones.
9. Shoulder Shake. What’s this? Why are my shoulders shaking? Why am I throwing in a random clap as my head is bobbing? Why did I just snap my fingers? Oh! They’ve got you now fishy. There you were thinking you could nibble at the worm without getting the hook, without letting THEM know they’ve got you. Did you not realize that was their plan?
10. Booty Shake. I didn’t realize I had ants in my pants… Why else is my chair moving like so? Why do I have the urge to get up? Damn you rhythm! Damn you so so sweet track. This, my friend is the point of no return.
11. The MIMS. You have now realized that you are possessed. Possessed by the one they call Muzak. All you can say is a dark prayer of MIMS:
• Music is my saviour. For without you music, I would not make it through the day. MIMS, I ask you to release me from your hold for I must complete the tasks at hand.
12. Woo! Muzak! The song ends and you think the worst is over. I can get back to work without drifting off again. Spoke too soon! Like a green beret commando in the jungles of ‘Nam, this sneaks up on you and slices you in the back leaving you with a tingle that makes you shout “WOO!” Some have been heard to say “Woo! That’s my jam,” or “turn that $#!& up!” Easiest way to describe this level is to think of Michael Jackson’s (pre-crazy Michael) Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough where he even says:
• Lovely is the feelin' now
• Fever, temperatures risin' now
• Power (ah power) is the force the vow
• That makes it happen
• It asks no questions why…WOO!

You know it’s too late because the force has got you and you don’t care who sees you singing or dancing because it wasn’t an exorcism when you said the MIMS prayer but rather, a calling for the force to take you.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this has been the 12 Stages of the Force. The 13^th Stage?

I am afraid you may go insane. Be driven to grab people around you to dance with. You know who you are older lady at the party/bar pulling innocent stander-bys to the dance floor.

The 13^th Dimension is one we do not talk of, for to even mention it will result not only in you becoming awkward Elaine Benice style dancing with the foot kick and the white man overbite. You will also find yourself girating against others that previously repulsed you. Next thing you know you are on You Tube doing a dance with a light saber and you become internet famous as the part two to the fat kid doing the Star Wars dance.

Beware the 13^th Dimension because it will morph you into the offspring that would result of mating the Star Wars kid and William Hung.

+ =

I'm onto you...Mr & Mrs 80 year old driver

My name is Mufasa Mumbasa from Kinshasa. What is this ting you call dunk? Coach say lay it, I lay eet.
Pardon? Well, don’t do it again, go on, git!

Dear 80 year old driver,

I am onto you sir. Onto you and your boat of a car and polyester checkered nipple high trousers. I know you are not oblivious to your surroundings as you drive and cut me off.

I know because I have been observing you through the rear view and I can see you have full capacity of your functions. So don’t act like you are in your own little world or searching for something that is not there right after you cut me off and you hear my horn of fury blasting you.

I realize it is a conspiracy perpetrated by the elderly of this world. You know the drill: locate a happy driver, wait at a corner until they are almost in the intersection, cut them off, causing them to slam on the breaks or swerve to avoid you eliciting anger, panic and fury.

As they pull up next to you, pretend you are not even the one driving, pretend you are in your muskoka chair at the Gold Bond medicated powder resort you overly skin abundant jackass!

Studies show that the elderly and women are in the fewest accidents. Sure, but they cause the most accidents –hammer on breaks, swerve randomly, you know who you are.

I get disturbed for an instant then a smile creeps over my face because I realize they are applying the Mufasa Kinshasa mind trick. This was something I used to do all the time in highschool when I am about to get in trouble by authority figures –teachers, referees, “white people.”

Easiest way to explain it is from my experience playing basketball in highschool.
You see, you are not allowed to dunk during warm-ups because it is considered intimidation and unnecessary aggression directed at the other team and you would be awarded a technical foul –not a good way to start the game.

Well, you are allowed to break this rule if the referees are not there for warm-ups and they often come in towards the end of warm-ups to give the players a chance to do their thing. I’m sure most of you can atest to the fact that when you are doing your thing, you often get carried away and sometimes call out the wrong girls’ name…I mean…you get the point. So there I am dunking, yelling, bumping chests, slapping fives, etc.

Teammate: “Q! Ref, ref, ref…too late”
Ref: “You, number 32, get over here.”
Me (in the Strongest West African Accent possible): “Guud aftanuun sa! Wot kyan nai do fo U?”
Ref: “What is your name?”
Me (SWAA): “Mai neim is Mufasa Mumbasa of Kinshasa, my fada is Simbalu Mumbasa. We heil from…”
Ref: “Ya, that’s nice but listen, you know you are not supposed to be dunking.”
Me (SWAA): “Donkey?”
Ref: “Dunking”
Me (SWAA): “Down in key? Yes, I play post in key. I yam fowod senta like Hakeem de Dream of Houston. Do you know he ees not from Amereeka? He shake and…”
Ref: “No! Dunking!”
Me (SWAA): “Wot is dis down-kee? Coach se lay eet up, put eet in basket. Dat is wot I doo, I don’t know down-key. I will ask my broda, Rafiku Mumbasa, he sei I play like Hakeem and shake and bake.”
Ref: Oh, nevermind, get back to your warm-ups
Me (SWAA): Tenk you sa. Good luck and God Bless. (inside voice: suckaaaaaaa)!

This is the same technique I find is applied worldwide. ESPECIALLY by store owners. You are debating buying something, they talk and coax you into it and at times correcting your English until you finally buy the product.

You come back a couple of days later because the product is faulty and all of a sudden, they don’t speak a word of English or are oblivious to even working there…hmmmm.

In case you didn’t realize it, I threw a lil Disney in there to see if they would pick it up but nay!

I’m smiling cause I’m yelling inside…

You know how someone tells a joke but it ain’t funny or laugh outloud funny? The kind where they wait for your reaction and you say you are laughing on the inside?

Well this is kinda like that. Think of it this way, you are walking down the street, driving, whatever and you see something you would love to comment on but you keep on walking? And the person keeps on doing what they doing cause ain’t nobody sayin’ nuttin’ so donkey face keeps on keeping on! Dammit sometimes you just find yourself commenting in your head about it. If you are like me, you are yelling on the inside, yelling stuff like:

• Drive or use the phone but not both
• Damn you are not seriously eyeing me up are you?
  
• If you are cold maybe you should have put some clothes on!
  
• Listen, you ain’t Jay-Z, you ain’t famous, take off those damn sunglasses. You are indoors you inbred goat massager!
• Really? That's what you are wearing?
• If you are going to walk slowly, stick to one side of the sidewalk or risk getting a fist in the back of the head.
  
• Eye me up one more time and I’ma hog tie you and let Quagmire go to work on you.
• Pull your pants up
  
• Wow you ARE ugly!
  
• Straighten out your hat
  
• Dammit girl, if it ain’t a Ho Show, don’t wear the Ho Gear!
  
• This is not a negotiation stare, move out of my way, I’m bigger than you!
  
• Oh no? Well I guarantee I am faster and all I need is one quick flying fist.
  
• Wow, you are brave to be holding her hand in public.
  
• The only reason I am looking at your girl is to figure out which of the two of you is on the losing end of this bet.
  
• Clutching your purse a little tighter as you walk past me is not gonna stop me from taking it if I really want to.
  
• No one called you, no one wants to call you, hell your number is disconnected; put your damn phone away.
  
• Wow, we should makeout
  
• Yup that’s my package, UPS delivered. I signed for it.
  
• Hellooooo my eyes are up here!
  
• At what time in the morning do you dress yourself cause clearly you are not awake when you do.
  
• You would make a handsome man cause being a so called hot girl is not working out well for you.
  
• Yeah I smiled at your girl, only cause she is about to dump your ass and she knows that I know.
  
• Short people, stop swinging your arms so high when you walk. Especially in a busy area.
  

The Cosby Clause

The Cosby Clause

I strongly believe in the first insight that dictates that we need to be conscious that the coincidences in life are not coincidences at all –things happen for a reason, in threes, etc.

I thought I would point the first insight because it shaped what today’s blog would be. And today being Friday the 13th, it seems obvious now having three strong cues. After getting the third cue it happened, just as surely as the repercussions of Tina back talking Ike, it hit me. The final cue to write the Cosby clause hit me. It hit me so hard I thought Jack Bauer just pistol whipped me like my name was Nina Myers and y’all know Bauer hates Nina! I had often thought/stated the Cosby Clause but today it seemed necessary to write it down.

I will start with the cues that led up to this point. The first cue occurred in between my comatose states when I was sick earlier this week. I came across an episode of the Cosby’s; I thought why not, give it a chance. By the end of the episode I was beaming like a damn fool that just learned how to pee standing up. The second came about when a colleague dropped by my office yesterday and mentioned that he had been chatting with an old friend of mine and they had chatted about me for a bit. You see we sometimes call that old friend the Cos because he smiles just like the Cos and hell you’d need to meet him because he is the Cos. The third and final cue came when I was reading the paper on the subway this morning when I came across an article about the Cos performing at a casino in the great white north. Bam there it is, me asking Tyson if he was castrated as a teenager before he was able to develop a man voice, the knock out cue! Well, I know most of you don’t like to read for too long so I will just get into it.

The Cosby Clause states that:
No matter what kind of mood you are in, there is no way you can walk away from a Cosby Show episode without at least beaming intrinsically.

Basically, if you are feeling crappy or just blah, watch an episode of the Cosby Show. If you don’t walk away from that episode beaming ear to ear or warmed up to your cockles or even your sub-cockles, then you weren’t watching the Cos. You saw the Cos but you weren’t watching the Cos.

I could go on to tell you about how it was one of the longest running family sitcoms or try to explain a zerbert or you tell me how Denise went all badass. But honestly, no matter what you have to say, the show gets you mesmerized from the get go. As a kid I remember loving the opening dance credits hell I still do the Cosby dance at weddings!

Random ish to do in the limbo hours of a Friday

Aah another Friday. Well I thought I’d pick it up where we left off with the randomness that comes with a Friday. I like to be unique but like most people, I like my Fridays like I like lemonade that cool refreshing drink on a blissful sunny day. Wow what an analogy or do I just have waaaay too much crack (tee hee crack)?

Anyways back to Fridays. You see most people look forward to their Fridays as it marks the beginning and the end, similar to a nice meal. The end of your hunger and the beginning of a momentary everlasting euphoria. Wow the horse crack is really kicking in!

Speaking of crack, here are some more after 3pm words that become naughty: spread, crack, rear, harass, thick, salami

Okay okay I digress!!!

You ever notice that there is a period in time before the euphoria of the weekend kicks in? The period of time where there is nothing happening but the looking forward to something happening? It is the time immediately after work to the journey home to the time following dinner to the expecting company or plans to begin regarding Freaky Fridays. It usually consists of a couple of hours and this is where you are in a limbo stage with nothing to do.

Well here are some ideas of ways to kill that limbo period. Some of these also help in getting through the 3pm funk on a Friday:

• Go see an early show of a movie. As soon as it starts, stand up in front of the room and declare “I’m going to get some popcorn, anybody need anything?”
• If in a cubicle, fill a squeeze bottle, squirt it into a mug then refill. Time how long it takes for the first neighbor to go to the washroom.
• Go shopping, buy a shirt that is almost identical to the uniform the store staff across the hall wears. Immediately put it on, disrobe at the cash if possible. Walk across the hall and start giving people advise on their shopping.
• Call people you know are still working to discuss how tough it is not to have anything to do at the moment.
• Start a conversation with someone using only the lines from a song or the titles of songs throughout the whole conversation
• If you happen to be in a meeting after 3pm on a Friday (which is just WRONG), mutter that’s exactly they want us to do.
• If in a meeting post 3pm, hold your hands in a praying manner. If queried, tell them you are praying no one will notice how much you want the meeting to be over
• Start a random standing ovation for any donkey that just got off the phone if they were using it on the bus or other public area.
• Inter-office mail yourself something and postmark it for the next week Friday
• Take a walk through the office or mall with your fly wide open and your hands on your sides with a huge grin on your face
• Walk backwards past coworkers' offices often

Random Tangents Part IV

• I dare you not to think of a penguin
• B: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
  P: I think so, Brain, but where are we going to find a duck and a hose at this hour?
  
• Seth McFarlane must be reading my blogs because a few weeks later, there was an episode where Bill Clinton does some…”convincing.” Even Peter gets convinced.
  
• Jack Bauer is STILL gangsta!
  
• Who the hell cares which celebrities are in and out of rehab? Does it change your life in the least bit? If you answered yes, you need to get your ass beat.
  
• You have no idea how much money goes through Vegas on a Friday alone.
• It is virtually impossible to picture the queen taking a dookie
• This? It’s my package, UPS delivered and I signed for it.
• Is Nelly Furtado hot or damn hot? Talk amongst yourselves.
• 82% of women ages 23-36 voted Nelly Furtado as the celebrity they would definitely make-out with.
• I made up 100% of the previous fact.
• 98% of you are now thinking of making out with Nelly Furtado.
• Eva Mendes glistening is just too much for a man to handle -watch GhostRider and you will understand my statement.
• Happy summer time mutha%@#s

Words that sound naughty after 3pm on a Friday

Well it’s Friday and approaching the mind checkout hour so I thought I would help you kill the last lil bit of the day at work. A lot of people tend to relax and be business focused during the week and get naughty on the weekend.

Now this is where the Freudian Slip overlap exists. Seeing a lot of minds checkout for the weekend at about this time, it is pointless to have meetings anytime after 3pm on a Friday because you start to get giddy. Giddy like a school girl going to a Justin Timberlake concert, hell half you women still get giddy like that.

Okay okay back on track! What I am trying to say is that if you have a meeting after 3pm on a Friday, there will be giggles because your mind would have already switched into weekend mode and words and phrases that you would not have flinched at on a Tuesday morning elicit the most random reactions on a Friday afternoon. Words that seemed harmless at the beginning of the week now sound naughty.

Words that just sound naughty:

• Orifice
• Aural
• Odor
• Package
• Junk
• Funk
• Pleasure
• Mad Cow
• Winch (not wench)
• Snatch (the Olympic term)
• Coxswain
• Spread
• Unit
• Reciprocate
• Duck
• Blue
• Hardened
• Johnson
• Swap

So many more, be creative try using them in a conversation in your next 3pm meeting.