Now for some Funk in your Junk

I will tell you this, ain’t no funk in your junk when you crunk up:
The Funk!

Music will always take care of your junk. For me, it is funk music that gets my junk to that next level.

Disclaimer: Funk music is only good in moderation, just like absinthe and porn.

You could be in a junk mood or your junk ain’t feelin’ tha funk and all you need is to crunk up the funk –“increase the volume on your bose speaker system,” for my ‘older’ readers.

It gets you going, in a good mood, randy, or motivated when trying to punch through a day of work. Hell ALL of the above for whatever up-mood you are after.

Don’t believe me about funk music? I dare you to grab some Curtis Mayfield Superfly and Pusherman when you need to punch through some housework or office work. Hell, don’t even get me started on James Brown! Do I even need to mention Commodores?

I know, I know! Commodores was a spring board for Lionel Richie which eventually evolved to Nicole Richie and her rake of a “I can make a ‘movie’, drive drunk, go to jail, cry and be let out for crying cause there’s no crying in minimum security prison” friend who brought us the ever so famous “that’s hot,” phrase… but seriously!


Respect to L-Rich for Dancing on the ceiling. Throw on some Brickhouse or Jungle Boogie and you got yourself a party my friend. And just tell me, tell me you don’t start bouncin’ in your chair!

You see… there are twelve distinct stages of music. Yes I said stages and not categories, read on!

1. Blah-ground. Ish you throw on in the… background and keep on keepin’ on with whatever the hell you were doing –classical music usually
2. Hypnotique/Mindless/Idtss Idtss Idtss. The music that you put on when you are doing a mindless or repetitive task all day –house, trance and all that Swede laced dookie. YA YOU HEARD ME, DJ Tiesto and Moby (call me Ishmael) Dick! Ya I said it!
3. Back in the day. This is the reminiscent stage. The track that makes you do that movie thang where you gaze off into oblivion remembering when you were kings and queens and how sweet it all was.
• From here on in, I will let you insert musical genre as each person has their definition of back in the day or other corresponding genres for the list that follows.
4. Toe/Finger Tap. The early symptoms often go unnoticed. It starts off with your big toe nodding in a squishing motion to the music. Then next your foot starts to tap in rhythmic slowed down heart beat of a bear in hibernation motion. Before you know it your index finger is tapping in correspondence. To an observer, it appears that your your toe is morse coding with your finger.
• This is when the visible body revolution starts. First, it’s your index finger, and then your middle finger joins in on the morse code tapping. Wait a minute, bam! Your whole hand is tapping in a semi drum beat on the table or your lap –but still in heart beat rhythm.
5. Hand Drum. At this point you become conscious that the rhythm has taken over your hand and slowly taking over your body. All you can do is… let it happen.
• This is where the remaining stages emerge taking over all the way to the Woo Stage. Go onnnnnn…..
6. Slow shake to a sway. As your random playlist comes to that song, you know… one of those tracks that gets your head shake ever so slightly in a no, no, no! Don’t stop that sweet track! A symptom of a slow shake to a sway song is that you blink for a longer period –basically you have your eyes closed and your coworkers are wondering if you are sleeping or receiving instructions from the dark one. They then realize that you are shaking your head and swaying because there is a cool breeze which is odd because you are indoors most likely in a maze of cubicles. You are on a next tip if you are swaying like Stevie Wonder, you on the next level or… drunk at work.
7. Hum Muzik. I think this one is self explanatory. Although a disclaimer should be put here because sometimes you hum too loud breaking the hold the rhythm has on you and you are back at square one. Warning this cycle can happen over and over again where you go through stages one to seven throughout the day wondering when it will end –much like purgatory.
8. Head Nod. You find yourself nodding, bobbing to the lyrics and the beat. Your hand drumming is in unison with your toe tapping, hell your other hand has joined the party at this point. You realize this because you clap every now and then –you try and play it off by just softly snapping your fingers. That doesn’t last long because rhythm is a dancer and it has got you by your sweet musical cajones.
9. Shoulder Shake. What’s this? Why are my shoulders shaking? Why am I throwing in a random clap as my head is bobbing? Why did I just snap my fingers? Oh! They’ve got you now fishy. There you were thinking you could nibble at the worm without getting the hook, without letting THEM know they’ve got you. Did you not realize that was their plan?
10. Booty Shake. I didn’t realize I had ants in my pants… Why else is my chair moving like so? Why do I have the urge to get up? Damn you rhythm! Damn you so so sweet track. This, my friend is the point of no return.
11. The MIMS. You have now realized that you are possessed. Possessed by the one they call Muzak. All you can say is a dark prayer of MIMS:
• Music is my saviour. For without you music, I would not make it through the day. MIMS, I ask you to release me from your hold for I must complete the tasks at hand.
12. Woo! Muzak! The song ends and you think the worst is over. I can get back to work without drifting off again. Spoke too soon! Like a green beret commando in the jungles of ‘Nam, this sneaks up on you and slices you in the back leaving you with a tingle that makes you shout “WOO!” Some have been heard to say “Woo! That’s my jam,” or “turn that $#!& up!” Easiest way to describe this level is to think of Michael Jackson’s (pre-crazy Michael) Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough where he even says:
• Lovely is the feelin' now
• Fever, temperatures risin' now
• Power (ah power) is the force the vow
• That makes it happen
• It asks no questions why…WOO!

You know it’s too late because the force has got you and you don’t care who sees you singing or dancing because it wasn’t an exorcism when you said the MIMS prayer but rather, a calling for the force to take you.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this has been the 12 Stages of the Force. The 13^th Stage?

I am afraid you may go insane. Be driven to grab people around you to dance with. You know who you are older lady at the party/bar pulling innocent stander-bys to the dance floor.

The 13^th Dimension is one we do not talk of, for to even mention it will result not only in you becoming awkward Elaine Benice style dancing with the foot kick and the white man overbite. You will also find yourself girating against others that previously repulsed you. Next thing you know you are on You Tube doing a dance with a light saber and you become internet famous as the part two to the fat kid doing the Star Wars dance.

Beware the 13^th Dimension because it will morph you into the offspring that would result of mating the Star Wars kid and William Hung.

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