Pardon? Well, don’t do it again, go on, git!
Dear 80 year old driver,Studies show that the elderly and women are in the fewest accidents. Sure, but they cause the most accidents –hammer on breaks, swerve randomly, you know who you are.
I am onto you sir. Onto you and your boat of a car and polyester checkered nipple high trousers. I know you are not oblivious to your surroundings as you drive and cut me off.
I know because I have been observing you through the rear view and I can see you have full capacity of your functions. So don’t act like you are in your own little world or searching for something that is not there rightafter you cut me off and you hear my horn of fury blasting you.
I realize it is a conspiracy perpetrated by the elderly of this world. You know the drill: locate a happy driver, wait at a corner until they are almost in the intersection, cut them off, causing them to slam on the breaks or swerve to avoid you eliciting anger, panic and fury.
As they pull up next to you, pretend you are not even the one driving, pretend you are in your muskoka chair at the Gold Bond medicated powder resort you overly skin abundant jackass!
I get disturbed for an instant then a smile creeps over my face because I realize they are applying the Mufasa Kinshasa mind trick. This was something I used to do all the time in highschool when I am about to get in trouble by authority figures –teachers, referees, “white people.”
Easiest way to explain it is from my experience playing basketball in highschool.
You see, you are not allowed to dunk during warm-ups because it is considered intimidation and unnecessary aggression directed at the other team and you would be awarded a technical foul –not a good way to start the game.
Well, you are allowed to break this rule if the referees are not there for warm-ups and they often come in towards the end of warm-ups to give the players a chance to do their thing. I’m sure most of you can atest to the fact that when you are doing your thing, you often get carried away and sometimes call out the wrong girls’ name…I mean…you get the point. So there I am dunking, yelling, bumping chests, slapping fives, etc.
This is the same technique I find is applied worldwide. ESPECIALLY by store owners. You are debating buying something, they talk and coax you into it and at times correcting your English until you finally buy the product.Teammate: “Q! Ref, ref, ref…too late”
Ref: “You, number 32, get over here.”
Me (in the Strongest West African Accent possible): “Guud aftanuun sa! Wot kyan nai do fo U?”
Ref: “What is your name?”
Me (SWAA): “Mai neim is Mufasa Mumbasa of Kinshasa, my fada is Simbalu Mumbasa. We heil from…”
Ref: “Ya, that’s nice but listen, you know you are not supposed to be dunking.”
Me (SWAA): “Donkey?”
Ref: “Dunking”
Me (SWAA): “Down in key? Yes, I play post in key. I yam fowod senta like Hakeem de Dream of Houston. Do you know he ees not from Amereeka? He shake and…”
Ref: “No! Dunking!”
Me (SWAA): “Wot is dis down-kee? Coach se lay eet up, put eet in basket. Dat is wot I doo, I don’t know down-key. I will ask my broda, Rafiku Mumbasa, he sei I play like Hakeem and shake and bake.”
Ref: Oh, nevermind, get back to your warm-ups
Me (SWAA): Tenk you sa. Good luck and God Bless. (inside voice: suckaaaaaaa)!
You come back a couple of days later because the product is faulty and all of a sudden, they don’t speak a word of English or are oblivious to even working there…hmmmm.
In case you didn’t realize it, I threw a lil Disney in there to see if they would pick it up but nay!
