Washes while you pee

Ladies and Gentlemen: What I propose to you today is indeed a revolution. A revolution on hygiene, a revolution on common sense. Today is the dawn of a new age!

Alright Q, where are you going with this?

Let me start by asking the following question. Gentlemen, what is our most prized possession? It is worth more to us than any amount of money, cars or women. Although men often state they are willing to part with portions of this possession for a rather attractive woman. Our junk! Think about it, ain’t no way in hell are you gonna go on Fear Factor, Joe Roegan offer you a million bucks to use a rusty butter knife to chop ya junk off and eat it. HELL NO!!! A toe, maybe. As a matter of fact, screw Joe Roegan!

I will repeat it, Howie damn Mandel can say “I’ma give you five mil to chop off ya junk, one mil for justa nut. Deal or no deal?” Heeellll no! Here is a new deal Howie, I’ma give you one mil and a swift righteous kick in the pants if you shut the eff up and never appear on tv again!

Now that I have established what our prized possession is, I can begin. It is our prized possession yet we sometimes don’t treat it right. Follow me as I paint this picture:

You just walk in a club, you give props to all your peeps including Dave the dope-fiend that don’t know the meaning of the word soap. Hell you in the club and you even give rubs to that girl that you know prob caught something at least twice.

You make your way to the bar and order that nice rum and coke or Shirley Temple if you a candy ass. As you wait for your drink, you hear your track come over the speakers and you start drumming away on the bar as you wait. You get your drink, pay for it and go do your thing.

Now you need to go to the washroom. You get to the washroom and are about to unleash the dragon then you decide to look at the evidence:

1. You shook hands with nuff people and who knows who just finished picking what. Hell, who didn’t wash their hands? Can you remember?
2. Then you were drumming on the bar, the sticky, gritty, grimy bar that someone prob yakked on 20mins earlier.
3. You handled money and I don’t even need to tell you how many people handled that money before it got in your hands.
4. Then you went to the washroom, the door handle was wet…ewww. You got a hi-five from the drunken fool on his way out.
5. And now you are about to handle your junk...

There is the evidence. Now think…how clean are your hands? Not very right? Then why in the world would you handle your junk after such abuse to your hands? You are literally shaking your junk with everyone else’s hands including that grimy dude that you know prob doesn’t wash everyday.

The revolution is simple, wash your hands before you pee! Sounds easy enough right?
Keep that in mind next time you are at the club, public places, hell even at home. What/who were you doing before you went to the washroom and insist on abusing your best friend. Reduce junk abuse, wash before you pee!

Brown's Law

Article XIV -Brown's Law
This definitive work may have been referred to or inferred in the past. However, it was never articulated until the summer of 2004 also known as the summer of Brown.

This law makes sense on so many levels and yet it is so simple. I will preface by saying, to every rule there are exceptions…or are there?

Although the idea behind the law has existed since before the booty call which dates back to the ancient Romans; the law was articulated by a visionary who shall be referred to simply as Mr. Brown. With Mr. Brown being the father of the law, it was hence since named in his honour.

Brown's Law reads:
A heterosexual man and a heterosexual woman are very close friends only because one of the two is sexually attracted to the other.

• In lame man's words: a guy and a girl are only tight because one of them wants to hit it.

Think about it, that girl you are/were tight with, you would drop anything you were doing to help her out, rain or shine. You want to convince who that you didn’t want to hit it? What you didn’t realize was that all your efforts of being there and being one she could count on further put you in the dreaded friendship zone, the I like you…as a friend zone. You decide to bide your time by continuously being that great friend with the hopes that sooner or later she will stop telling you about those other guys, wondering why she can’t find a guy like you and realize that you are that guy. If this is you, stop watching those teenie bopper movies and grow some chest hair!

Ladies, don’t think you are escaping from this law, far be it, you are the guiltiest of this law. Guys, think about it, that girl that is your friend, she would drop everything at an instant to help you out of a bind even if it is as trivial as picking up toilet paper for you. Think about it. Do you have a friend that would pick up toilet paper for you if you asked? She wants to hit it! Girls are better at hiding their hit it instincts better than guys but you gotta realize they got instincts too.

Retort: The only way you can dispute this law is if you have a friend that you are that tight with and you don't want to hit it.

If you two can hangout often, hell sleep and cuddle in the same bed on a regular occasion without anything being “awkward” or sexually charged then it is your friend that wants to hit it. Plain and simple, don’t be naïve, one of you wants to hit it and if it ain’t you then it is definitely them.

Some of you might even throw the argument out there that you have had or still do have a friend that you are that close with and nothing ever happened that way. The rule does not say that something must or will happen sooner or later, it just states that someone wants the other.

If you are convinced that you do not have that close friend that you wan’ touch, leave it be that someone wants you.

Exception: There are exceptions, if you met your friend while they were in a relationship or are related to them (southern states and Newfoundland excluded).

The law also does not apply if you do not have a close friend of the opposite sex.

Look for Fletch’s Retort, the follow-up to Brown’s Law. A retort for those that realize the impact of Brown’s law and try to fulfill the fantasy that engages the law.