Jack vs James vs Bill –the ultimate battle

Aight candy a$$, it’s Friday so I will keep this like your drinks -watered down and easy to swallow –no need for deep thought on these ones genius!

I was riding the subway to work today and I am looking around because you know, no one wants to make eye contact on the subway…it’s just awkward. hat’s next after the eye contact? Hi, what’s your name? Subway it often? Anyways…back on track. So I am looking around and I notice these eyes staring at me, it’s Jack. Jack Bauer! You know how they have those ads up top? The rectangular ones? Well, there he was in the poster advertising 24. And I start thinking, man, Jack Bauer is gangsta!!!

As we pull into the next stop, we come to a complete stop at a Casino Royale poster. RIGHT UNDERNEATH THE JACK BAUER POSTER!!! –I mean if this isn’t a sign, I don’t know what is. So I start thinking…James Bond, Jack Bauer, James Bond, Jack Bauer! It makes sense…or does it? Could Jack Bauer be the modern day tv James Bond? Same initials, exact same amount of letters in their names…coincidence? I think not. But then again, some would argue that one is tougher than the other so I start to wonder who would be the ultimate gangsta?

But to make it even spicier I decided to consult some folks (Thanks Martian and Hammer for the input) and one of them (Martian) throws a real life gangsta into the mix to spice things up…Bill Clinton!

Well with this being the all-star weekend, I will play this out like an all-star battle:

• Jack Bauer is gangsta!
• Bond. James Bond…need I say more? Who introduces themselves by their last name first? That is just gangsta! I mean the man revolutionized pimpilism by this phrase alone.
• Clinton…shoot where do I start?
• Jack Bauer doesn’t even need to interrogate his suspects. “I ain’t saying $@&%! Wait a minute, are you Jack? Jack Bauer? Oh crap…well here is everything I know. Hell my social security number is...”
• Bond. James Bond. Martini, shaken not stirred.
• Billy could walk right up to you grab your drink outta your hand and you would probably apologize for not giving it to him sooner.
• Bauer is deadliest with a standard issue sidearm…can fire off 50 rounds without reloading.
• Bond is deadliest with his Johnson. Think about it, anyone he sleeps with ends up getting killed.
• Bill is deadliest with a cigar.
• Bauer’s negotiation technique works by stepping in a room blasting everyone in sight, finding the last guy that is barely alive and squeezing him for info.
• Bond loads his wrist watch with some sleep/truth serum, shoots you with it and then proceeds to sodomize you cause let’s face it, Bond can only go 23 minutes without sleeping with something. You feel the need to tell him everything you know cause, you just shared such a beautiful moment, although you don’t remember it…besides he promised he would call but only cause he knows you are about to be shot by your government for “sleeping with the enemy.”
• Big Clint himself would probably light a spiff with the terrorist suspect. But wouldn’t inhale! Get you all messed up, whip out his saxophone, serenade you to give it up and bomb the ish outta your village while violating that black lil strapless number you have on, well had on.
• You will never see Bond not clean shaven, even after being trapped in a coffin for five days.
• If you ever see Bauer shaving, you are about to die.
• Clint’s facial hair doesn’t grow out of fear of being violated DNA styles.
• Clinton could walk into your house and just do his thing with your wife, daughter, mother and you would give him a high five cause come on…can you really get mad at Bill? Think about it, if he can keep a hardcore ganstaret like Hilary at bay, he can sweet talk a turnip.

Yo, I think there will be a part two to this playoff. This was just the skills competition. There may even be ringers brought in for this all-star battle. Oh and don't even mention Chuck!

The Insanities of Public Washrooms

Do’s & Don’ts of Dookie
-when doing doodoo at a public washroom

Okay okay we have all seen the email about urinal etiquette, this deals with something else…dookie etiquette in a public washrooms.

I was reading some postings on National Beatdown Day and one of the girls (Amanda!) wrote a note about people not flushing after using the public washroom like they are leaving a gift for the next person. That is when I remembered some odd things that I have encountered over time at public washrooms.

There was this one time, I’m at a hole in the wall restaurant, the washroom is located in the scary-dingy basement. Needless to say it is very quiet and awkward down there. With that said, I decide it needs to be a quick in and out, who knows when Jason is going to jump out and slash Johnson. All of a sudden I hear “mmm, mmm,” and of course you can’t bail ‘cause it turns out to be the longest pee of your life! It dies out, I give Johnson two shakes cause anymore than that is just too much.

All of a sudden in a Purple Rain Prince type voice going from deep to high pitched, I hear “ooh, that’s nice, yeah.” I am thinking at this point I don’t care if I pee on myself, I gotsta get outta here, I don’t know where the voice is coming from and I don’t see anyone in this one semi-burnt bulb broom closet of a washroom.

As I am washing my hands, the voice comes back “so you wanna…oh wait I got someone on the other line!” WHO THE HELL uses the phone while crunching it out in a public washroom? What you do at home is your business but come on!!! And who the hell wants to be talking to someone when they are busy making brown betty?

You think that is weird? There was a time when this chap was msning while crunching…you couldn’t wait that 4.8minutes?

Really, times have changed. There was a time when businessmen would take the newspaper into places like that, hell even trade sections with the guy next to them. This was not right then, and it sure as hell ain’t right now.

So I thought I would write some do’s and don’ts for public dookie:

• Absolutely under no circumstances should you be making/taking calls while doing a dookie.
• Your laptop should is not required when doing the doo.
• There is no need to take pictures!
• Talking to the guy in the next stall is strictly forbidden! Cheering him on is acceptable on Tuesdays.
• Singing probably is not the best of ideas, humming is only tolerable if using a urinal
  DO NOT break eye contact or the eye barrier if made when using the urinal.
• Never ask the guy after coming out of his stall if it worked out well for him.
• “Hey, how’s it going? My name is …, looks like we are going to be neighbors for a while.” is not acceptable when in the next stall.
• Leaving your stall door wide open so you can chat with passerby’s is punishable by being peed on.
• Complimenting someone on their shoes or pants shows you are not there for the business at hand –no pun intended

National Beat Down Day

National Beat Down Day

So there I was on the shuttle from Kansas City International Airport to the hotel with my boss when I got the inspiration for this blog.

Now this intro story is one that you have heard many a time, hell it has been beaten to death. Actually, scratch that, it was beaten to death revived and then beaten to death…again!

We are on the shuttle with about 10 other people when the lady behind us decides to whip it out and use it. One of those awkward situations where it gets whipped out in public or in a closed space, someone should say something but no one does. Hell in this day and age where it has been talked to death, it is not even awkward, it is in between awkward and strange. It is more awkward than the day your grandma kissed you goodnight, open-mouthed; but not as strange as the day she slipped in the tongue.

I mean think about it, when was the last time someone whipped out their cell phone in a bus, movie, meeting and started talking louder than everyone else there? Hell, not only one phone call of two minutes but a series of calls all lasting at least ten minutes. By the end of the ride, I and all other passengers knew her whole family, their trials, tribulations and how much Jesus loves them!

With each call it became more irritating, like the same old joke you hear from the same person five times a week. I started trying to think of my happy place but all that could come to mind were other irritating situations similar to the current.

That is when I decided to invent a day called National Beatdown Day. A day where you can beatdown all those people that do those irritating things that should not be happening in this day and age:

• People that change lanes without signaling
• People that come to a complete stop before turning right, on a green light!
• People that use the word “like” every other word.
• People that leave their ringers on in a movie, use vibrate.
• People that take the call.
• People that make the call in the movie!
• People that expect you to hold the door open for them because you got there first.
• People that ask you about the weather. How about the damn weather?
• People that end a statement with an inflection on the end word making it a question without it being a question?
• People who pontificate.
• People who feel their credentials wins debates… “I should know, I’m a PhD.” Is that right J-nuts? Well you should know you are about to get the dreaded flying fist then!
• Political advertising…mudslinging! Run a campaign damnit! Tell me what you will do for me.
• Bob Saget, Mike Sidenberg!
• Regis Phillbin…not as much as Kelly Rippa! No one likes your son! He will be known as King Poopy Pants through highschool.
• People who say “no offense,” before saying something downright rude.
• Kevin Federline followed by Justin Timberlake –although d*$& in a box is pretty damn funny
• Creators of: Survivor, Amazing Race, Dancing with the Stars… You get the idea!
• Bad customer service at a restaurant
• Rude/arrogant retail/mall workers.

Let’s have some new clichés

I’m just going to dive right into this one, no foreplay or teasing, just straight ranting! Seriously, who thought up some of these sayings and how the heck do they stick? How did they become clichés? Seriously!

1. It’s like peeing in the wind. Who the hell pees into the wind? Do you like the feel of your own pee all over you? Sure it keeps you warm but that doesn’t last and you end up smelling like like like PEE!!!
2. Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today. Sucka, there wouldn’t be procrastination if we did it today now would there?
3. It it ain’t broke, don’t try and fix it. If I don’t throw an elbow, ya best not try and catch it ya donkey faced jacka$$
4. You make a better door than a window. I’ll tell you what…you make a better punching bag than a kicking stump.
5. Watched pot never boils. Umm…I think you are supposed to light it and smo…oh wait it’s supposed to be A watched pot. My bad!
6. Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Have you ever had a dictionary thrown at you? Better yet, tell you what, let’s go to the library and I will push a few stacks over and you tell me if it hurts. You over read bookworm!
7. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Umm…one word…pate.
8. Time flies when you're having fun. I have no problem with this one but shouldn’t there be an antithesis to this that reads: Time crawls when you are not having a ball?
9. Sick as a dog. Last I checked most dogs aren’t sick…often. So what the hell? If the saying was something about being as happy as a puppy or something like that, then I would understand.

Soup for President

So let me ask you this…do you like soup? Does it warm you? Does it warm you right down to your cockles? Maybe even your sub-cockles? Is it nutritious? Well yes sucka it is! Soup is good, hell soup is great! As a matter of fact in some countries soup is a meal.


Back when I was in ‘Nam I got introduced to a great soup-meal called Pho! Pho is a great soup-meal that warms me to my sub-cockles! It contains all the nutrients and other ish that you need for a balanced diet. And when ya want a quick laugh you can always ask for mo’ pho.

Alright Q, where the hell is this tangent going? I’m glad you asked, allow me to retort.

They say soup is a lunch or dinner thing. Why is that? And who the hell are “They?” How come we can’t have soup for breakfast? Don’t believe me? Next time you go to a breakfast joint try ordering the soup and see what happens. I want soup dammit!

They say breakfast is the cornerstone of a productive day and there are things that add up to the ‘complete breakfast.’ Seriously who are “they” and how did “they” decide on what makes up a complete breakfast? I want soup dammit! Okay, okay, let’s examine this a little closer. I guess for a complete breakfast you need proteins, carbs, and grains –kick in the pants is optional. We got it all pho ya –sorry about the pun…no I’m not.

Think about this, “they” say breakfast should have the following components, something warm/hot (and I don’t meal oatmeal dammit), some liquidy side and meats/eggs. In this day and age, we always want the quick fix cause we are “always on the run” and we are just too plain lazy to make a proper meal. Now for the brainstorm, wouldn’t it be ideal if there was something that combined all these elements into one? Something your lazy ass doesn’t use a lot of dishes to make? Something you can have in one sitting without feeling guilty cause you skipped your iron for the day?

Cue the lightning, there it is, can you feel it? SOUP! Think about it, you can have everything in soup and make it healthy and you can be on your way.