Jack vs James vs Bill –the ultimate battle

Aight candy a$$, it’s Friday so I will keep this like your drinks -watered down and easy to swallow –no need for deep thought on these ones genius!

I was riding the subway to work today and I am looking around because you know, no one wants to make eye contact on the subway…it’s just awkward. hat’s next after the eye contact? Hi, what’s your name? Subway it often? Anyways…back on track. So I am looking around and I notice these eyes staring at me, it’s Jack. Jack Bauer! You know how they have those ads up top? The rectangular ones? Well, there he was in the poster advertising 24. And I start thinking, man, Jack Bauer is gangsta!!!

As we pull into the next stop, we come to a complete stop at a Casino Royale poster. RIGHT UNDERNEATH THE JACK BAUER POSTER!!! –I mean if this isn’t a sign, I don’t know what is. So I start thinking…James Bond, Jack Bauer, James Bond, Jack Bauer! It makes sense…or does it? Could Jack Bauer be the modern day tv James Bond? Same initials, exact same amount of letters in their names…coincidence? I think not. But then again, some would argue that one is tougher than the other so I start to wonder who would be the ultimate gangsta?

But to make it even spicier I decided to consult some folks (Thanks Martian and Hammer for the input) and one of them (Martian) throws a real life gangsta into the mix to spice things up…Bill Clinton!

Well with this being the all-star weekend, I will play this out like an all-star battle:

• Jack Bauer is gangsta!
• Bond. James Bond…need I say more? Who introduces themselves by their last name first? That is just gangsta! I mean the man revolutionized pimpilism by this phrase alone.
• Clinton…shoot where do I start?
• Jack Bauer doesn’t even need to interrogate his suspects. “I ain’t saying $@&%! Wait a minute, are you Jack? Jack Bauer? Oh crap…well here is everything I know. Hell my social security number is...”
• Bond. James Bond. Martini, shaken not stirred.
• Billy could walk right up to you grab your drink outta your hand and you would probably apologize for not giving it to him sooner.
• Bauer is deadliest with a standard issue sidearm…can fire off 50 rounds without reloading.
• Bond is deadliest with his Johnson. Think about it, anyone he sleeps with ends up getting killed.
• Bill is deadliest with a cigar.
• Bauer’s negotiation technique works by stepping in a room blasting everyone in sight, finding the last guy that is barely alive and squeezing him for info.
• Bond loads his wrist watch with some sleep/truth serum, shoots you with it and then proceeds to sodomize you cause let’s face it, Bond can only go 23 minutes without sleeping with something. You feel the need to tell him everything you know cause, you just shared such a beautiful moment, although you don’t remember it…besides he promised he would call but only cause he knows you are about to be shot by your government for “sleeping with the enemy.”
• Big Clint himself would probably light a spiff with the terrorist suspect. But wouldn’t inhale! Get you all messed up, whip out his saxophone, serenade you to give it up and bomb the ish outta your village while violating that black lil strapless number you have on, well had on.
• You will never see Bond not clean shaven, even after being trapped in a coffin for five days.
• If you ever see Bauer shaving, you are about to die.
• Clint’s facial hair doesn’t grow out of fear of being violated DNA styles.
• Clinton could walk into your house and just do his thing with your wife, daughter, mother and you would give him a high five cause come on…can you really get mad at Bill? Think about it, if he can keep a hardcore ganstaret like Hilary at bay, he can sweet talk a turnip.

Yo, I think there will be a part two to this playoff. This was just the skills competition. There may even be ringers brought in for this all-star battle. Oh and don't even mention Chuck!