The Insanities of Public Washrooms

Do’s & Don’ts of Dookie
-when doing doodoo at a public washroom

Okay okay we have all seen the email about urinal etiquette, this deals with something else…dookie etiquette in a public washrooms.

I was reading some postings on National Beatdown Day and one of the girls (Amanda!) wrote a note about people not flushing after using the public washroom like they are leaving a gift for the next person. That is when I remembered some odd things that I have encountered over time at public washrooms.

There was this one time, I’m at a hole in the wall restaurant, the washroom is located in the scary-dingy basement. Needless to say it is very quiet and awkward down there. With that said, I decide it needs to be a quick in and out, who knows when Jason is going to jump out and slash Johnson. All of a sudden I hear “mmm, mmm,” and of course you can’t bail ‘cause it turns out to be the longest pee of your life! It dies out, I give Johnson two shakes cause anymore than that is just too much.

All of a sudden in a Purple Rain Prince type voice going from deep to high pitched, I hear “ooh, that’s nice, yeah.” I am thinking at this point I don’t care if I pee on myself, I gotsta get outta here, I don’t know where the voice is coming from and I don’t see anyone in this one semi-burnt bulb broom closet of a washroom.

As I am washing my hands, the voice comes back “so you wanna…oh wait I got someone on the other line!” WHO THE HELL uses the phone while crunching it out in a public washroom? What you do at home is your business but come on!!! And who the hell wants to be talking to someone when they are busy making brown betty?

You think that is weird? There was a time when this chap was msning while crunching…you couldn’t wait that 4.8minutes?

Really, times have changed. There was a time when businessmen would take the newspaper into places like that, hell even trade sections with the guy next to them. This was not right then, and it sure as hell ain’t right now.

So I thought I would write some do’s and don’ts for public dookie:

• Absolutely under no circumstances should you be making/taking calls while doing a dookie.
• Your laptop should is not required when doing the doo.
• There is no need to take pictures!
• Talking to the guy in the next stall is strictly forbidden! Cheering him on is acceptable on Tuesdays.
• Singing probably is not the best of ideas, humming is only tolerable if using a urinal
  DO NOT break eye contact or the eye barrier if made when using the urinal.
• Never ask the guy after coming out of his stall if it worked out well for him.
• “Hey, how’s it going? My name is …, looks like we are going to be neighbors for a while.” is not acceptable when in the next stall.
• Leaving your stall door wide open so you can chat with passerby’s is punishable by being peed on.
• Complimenting someone on their shoes or pants shows you are not there for the business at hand –no pun intended