Elections, the STDs of Politics

With the upcoming elections, we hear the same clichés and fallacious promises from each party. The campaign ads each party has leaves a nostalgic taste for the old detergent commercials where the product claims to be new and improved. Well, which is it ya hillbilly bastards? Something can’t be new and improved at the same time, it is one or the other; NOT both! Being the ever benevolent patron that your are, you decide to give the product the benefit of the doubt. You go to your local supermarket, pick it up and try it out. The decision is usually made when you are not thinking clearly. You are edgy, anxious, nervous, nauseous…. Hell, you’re drunk when you decide to stop dancing and make your move.

Making your move to that ‘new and improved’ detergent can be the same as making a move on that lab partner you’ve had a crush on for what seems like an eternity. It is usually when you’re drunk, drunker than usual because you need that extra liquid courage. And if you are not careful when you go to vote, it can end up like that extremely drunken night you and your lab partner decide to conduct your own little experiment. In the end, it leaves a crusty, flaky finish all over the front of your favourite pants. Or was that just me???

I digress, allow me to draw another bar illustration/comparison to the tangent at hand. During election season, politicians be equated to the sleazy scotch swilling cassanova at the local bar. He will say and do whatever it takes to get you in bed.

Speaking of getting you into bed, allow me to segue way you into my main tangent. You see, politics is much like sex and if you don’t practice safe sex, you will end up getting effed…and not in the good way. They say elections are about choice and your right to choose, I disagree. Your right to choose includes your choice to say no or in this case, your choice to say none of the above. As we all know, we do not get that option, we do not get the option to convey our dissatisfaction with the options we are presented. This thereby implies that we do not necessarily have true choice as we are forced to choose the lesser of evils. Proof being how each party tells you how the other parties are evil and the wrong choice which in my mind means they are all the wrong choice. If they are all the wrong choice, why am I being asked to pick something I don’t want? Why am I being asked to pick an ailment or a crutch I really do not want?

With that said and sticking to out analogy of ‘temporary relationships,’ I pose this to you: With the upcoming elections, you are being dictated to pick your choice of STD. Yes I said it, STD.

Allow me to elaborate…

Each candidate is that classy cassanova or sultry seductress that promises you something greater than eternal happiness while dismissing the other players’ advances on you. However what they deliver is something no one ever wants. Hell, if it were, Hallmark would be making millions on a card that says “I know I gave you an STD but I got you a card and it’s a Hallmark!

Enough school talk, allow me to get ignant…

At bat, we got pimp #1, this bald stallion with his gray moustache that would tickle your cuckolds wants to give you something special that you will definitely remember him by. Something that every time you go to pee, you curse his name, you curse his name because it burns like hell. Yo, R. Kelly! Does it also burn the people you pee on or does it just make you crazy like Michael? Hmm Michael… post-Thriller Michael, vitiligo bubbles the chimpanzee loving Michael is probably the best way to describe the way this pimp and his posse operate. For those of you that don’t realize it, you are not voting for just the man, you are voting for his posse and their beliefs. You peeing is every time you buy something at the store and you are being jacked in taxes or every time you get your taxes and realize it burns, it burns worse that pouring salt on that red rash on ya buns.

A more socialist form of life in Canada wouldn’t be too bad… if you like that burning sensation when you pee. And no the ish don’t clear up on its own, you gotta take action and get rid of that son bi%$h. Seriously though, this mustached man looks like he personally inserts a giant pickle wrapped in sandpaper in his own what what before starting each day. I mean, don’t you already hear the Benny Hill beat playing in the back of your head and him running around wrecking ish? Some people may ask how you know it would burn. Honestly! This ain’t wet paint sucka, you don’t need to touch it to know it ain’t a good thing! I swear to places, you find me someone that wants to experience that burning sensation and I will vote for Benny Hill and his mustached posse.

Now let us move towards the middle,

This pimp wants to give you the gift that keeps on giving, it’s like diamonds, they are forever. And like diamonds, everyone knows you have them but no one wants to associate with you. What do I mean? Well think about the outlandish things that this pimp and his crew throw out and it ain’t for shock value. Most recent example, playboy has a press conference to chastise ‘the neighbours’ with respect to the trade embargos. In retaliation, the neighbours rep retaliates through a different press conference pretty much sayin shut the eff up or we will cut you even more than we did last time. Another example? Sure why not, not only did playboy’s predecessor leave him with a huge mess, he was caught back in the day on mike at town hall (UN) calling the neighbour and his daddy a moron. But wait! It was in French so no one would understand because no one is able to translate that language right?.

So you have decided to say no to your first two suitors, you are holding out for something better...

Well this low key understated flyboy comes sauntering towards you. He is willing to give you the silent gift that if not dealt with this properly and quickly, will lead to involuntary sterility. This flyboy will also rob and sell everything you possess and hold dear. Hell, he would even sell your pyjamas with you in it!

By the time you wake up, your home much like the country, is bare, barren and broke. This all done because a buck can be made on each of our possessions from our precious glaciers to our unique & irreplaceable healthcare. Where the hell do you think he will subsidize his 5% GST from? Yes I know GST, much like your hubby’s best friend moving in, was a temporary thing. Well guess what? It is still here! And even after you kick that hubby out, you get comfortable with having hubby’s buddy there because they do all those little things you hate. Things like, taking out the garbage, shoveling the driveway… weird how things work out huh? Can stand that hubby for imposing their friend on you but even well after hubby moves out, buddy/buddet is still there.

Well, I think I am done…you can go now…

But wait Q, what about that other pimp and his always ‘green’ suit? Or what about that lover that will eventually want a ‘separation’?

Lookey hya, there are certain things you just don’t talk about. You don’t talk about yeast infections because only a particular portion of the population can or will get it. And even when that population has it, you don’t see them going around bragging about it!

I just got my cheque in the mail…

Oh ya? Well I just got a yeast infection so screeeeeeeeeew YOU!

Green… Come on? We know we all need to be socially conscious but do we need to feel guilty about it everyday? Hell I would feel guilty for breathing because I would be told everyday that I am destroying the environment with my toxic exhalations!

Another tangent brought to you by yours truly… the insane mind of a funky homo-sapien formerly known as Q

Feminine Hygiene

Okay I have to ask. How many damn commercials do we need on feminine hygiene products? I mean come on! Before I lose you on this tangent, I am referring to the toiletries, the sanitary items, pads, tampons.

Before any of you ladies throw your hands up in an uproar to claim I am being narrow minded, ignorant, obtuse or chauvinistic, you must admit that if you do not think the commercials for the toiletries are too many because you enjoy the freedom of choice, you must admit that they are becoming a little excessive and graphic.

I don't care if you substitute a blue liquid to represent something else, a rose is still a rose. I mean here I am trying to have dinner and a commercial comes on throwing a damn "cotton ball" in a glass and watching it soak up this damn blue stuff. WHAT THE HELL???

Do I need the graphic image to believe that your product soaks up more that the leading competitor? Do you see commercials that show a pile of mud or soft rocky road ice cream being lifted up by your favourite toilet roll? Sure it is ice cream but I am sure the graphic image was not necessary! Do you see me taking a razor to a raisin bran muffin to show you how smooth a shave I can get on my junk?

Here is an idea. Seeing that reality shows are the new dot com and everyone and their mother has their own show how about a Survivor style showdown between all these damn companies. Have two islands representing the two main type of the toiletries, I should not have to spell this out.

The winner has exclusive ad/bragging rights. From then on, the winning company only has to flash their name across the screen for no more than three seconds. They don't need to go into graphic detail of how they are the best, you won, we know you are the best. No more commercials showing how their team of crack scientists went into space collected some space dust and engineered a new age toiletry. You are the best congrats, all other companies that come up with any new products give them directly to you and you keep the market strong.

Just to be fair, we will have a rematch every three years for a new king of the market. There would be stipends though, this show would be on during the Superbowl, Stanley Cup or NBA Finals. Yes this is the ignorant part of me expecting that only women would watch this show or assuming women don't want to watch these sport events. If they do, they can TAPE it as is often suggested to us. Or here is another solution, have a coke and a smile.

There are numerous possibilities to this show. Hell there are spinoff possibilities already brewing: pimp my pad, the tamp, so fresh so clean –starring Mr. Clean as the new Trump.

I could go on but I think you get the idea of where I am going with this! Seriously, tone it down a little. Thank goodness I don't particularly like blue Gatorade or else these Ad Execs and I would be throwing fists.

Popular Phrases and Inbreeding of the English Language

Now I was listening to this talk radio station about an hour ago and the host was talking about the headaches of renovating his house. He goes off on a tangent (yes I know “hello pot? This is the kettle…”) about his power tools and electricity, that’s when he drops the line “I had to get a really long extension cord.” Um, I don’t know about you but isn’t that the point of getting an extension cord? Because it is long???

So I drifted off into my place of randomness and started to wonder about some more of the oxymorons and redundant/irritating phrases people use everyday and I thought I would throw some out there. Feel free to add yours:

“I hate to interrupt but…” –if you hate to interrupt, why you doing it then? ~Where the hell is my fish bonker?

“How about this weather?” ~How about it ya damn heifer? Would you like me to tell you the chance of precipitation or the chance of my foot connecting with your doodie maker? P.s. Is it spelled doodie or doody?

The next time you need to use any of the following phrases, just stop and don’t say them at all no matter how honest your intentions are: no offense, don’t take this the wrong way, not sure how to say this… Just stop yourself. STOP!

1. When you are reading a book and you come across a page that has this written at the bottom “this page intentionally left blank.” -What the hell??? It ain’t blank if you wrote on it ya donkey!
2. “I’d give my right arm to…,” –Honestly! No matter how the phrase were to end, unless you are Dhamer, who wants a body part as a gift? If the phrase were to go “I’d give my right arm to go on a date with her.” Do you see yourself picking her up for the date and instead of giving her flowers you give her your newly severed arm?
3. Reality shows…that is another blog waiting to happen! What the eff is real about them? When was the last time you were trapped on an island with a bunch of strangers or locked in a house with the outcome being a lot of money? If you want it to be real, film these people taking a dump, yakking, … that is real…

I could go on but I think I will start my next tangent on Reality Shows!
And SCREW JOE ROEGAN damn Fear Factor my ass!

Very Random Tangents

You bored? Looking to kill time before your next enema? Well here are some random thoughts and points to ponder

• If you can be born again, can you be dead again?
• Is it true the name Wendy was made up by the author of Peter Pan?
• It is impossible to kiss your own elbow.
• The easter bunny is one deranged animal carrying around eggs.
• I love animals! They taste great.
• Is it just me or is Ricky Williams what Michael would have become on weed, roids and the “skin disease?”
• Yo, where is Martin Lawrence?
• Why is Samuel L. Jackson always yelling?
• If the south is so dumb and that is where all the inbreds are, how come 4 of the last 5 presidents are from the south?
• Who has done more drugs, Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones or Ozzy Osbourne?
• Do you wake up or open your eyes first?
• Who is John and where is he at 3:16?
• Can Catholic Priests make good babysitters?
• Why do child labor laws not prohibit children from acting in movies?
• If you can’t have your cake and eat it too, then what the hell is the point of cake?
• Seriously! Who the hell is Dave Navarro and why doesn’t he own a razor?
• Why does every woman think that all men’s fantasies involve two women? Why do all men’s’ fantasies involve two women?
• If all of the water were drained from the body of an average 160-pound man, the body would weigh 64 pounds.
• How the hell does one realize they enjoy getting peed on?
• Who discovered pleasure in being peed on? Was it by accident?
• If millions to billions of people die everyday of diseases, accidents, old age, and health related issues, how come human beings are not extinct?
• Halle Berry or Angelina Jolie?
• Taye Diggs or Tyson Beckford?
• Reality shows are not educational resources.
• If ice cream is dairy, why can’t we have it for breakfast?
• Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
• No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
• Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
• They say 3 out of 5 adults suffer from hemarroids. Who the hell are the remaining 2 out of 5 that enjoy it?
• Aren’t feminists cute?
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his friends.
• If you just showered at the gym and your boy snaps you with his towel, wrestling him while you’re both naked is just wrong.
• Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never bought that kind.
• A man’s telephone conversation with a woman should never go on longer than he is able to have sex with her.
• Unless freestyling, joining your boy who is already singing along to a song in the car is just wrong!

Rock is dead. Long live Paper!

I gotta admit, this tangent is not mine, a friend of a friend wrote this one but I thought you would all love it as Rock, Paper, Scissors enthusiasts.
understand that scissors can beat paper, and I get how rock can beat scissors, but there's no f*cking way paper can beat rock. Paper is supposed to magically "wrap around" rock, rendering it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors?

Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why -BECAUSE PAPER CAN'T BEAT ANYBODY! A rock would tear that sh*t up in 2 seconds.

When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper, I punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh sh*t, I'm sorry. I thought that paper would protect you."

Next time one of your friends gives you safe, puts their hand as a fist to give you rock as the handshake, go to it with your rock but at the last second open your hand and cover their fist and yell "PAPER B*TCH, paper beats rock!"

More insanity from the mind formerly known as Q

Demise of like the English Language

So I was watching the news this morning before rolling out of bed and there was a segment on back to school and retail. They then decided to interview a few shoppers and retailers on what they are planning on getting.

They were interviewing the manager of one of the stores who happened to be a university grad when I noticed it... the demise and degradation of the English language. I mean, I expect people to have a certain level of poise and articulateness, especially university grads.

What got my goat? What got me rattled? The fact that this person, a university grad that was saving to go into her masters in political science could not put together a sentence without the use of the word "like." Not a single sentence could be put together without the word like being thrown in at least two or three times A SENTENCE!

I started to count the number of times this word was uttered and was contemplating whether or not to write this person off as: (a) being nervous or (b) a complete and utter tool; that is when I started thinking of the number of times I have stopped people mid-story, to ask them to put together a sentence or the rest of the story without the word "like." Not trying to be an ass here but when was there a law passed that said that the word like needs to be uttered every fourth word?

As the reporter interviewing her, I would probably have beaten her with the microphone or done something odd..."like" meowing or barking every time the word like was uttered: "Oh, is that distracting? I'm sorry you defecating on the English language is rather distracting as well! Tell you what, you stop taking a dump in my ear and I will stop humping your leg because both are rather distracting."

You think I am exaggerating? Next time you are chatting with someone and they are telling you a story, count the number of times and the context the word is used. Hell, meow every time they use the word.

Something to ponder: would you want this person to represent your organization? If not, check your like count too. One like every third sentence used as in a simile or metaphor are acceptable. Any more than that and as a conjunction, prefix, interjection, etc, give 'em a meow.

The legal pleas of insanity of the mind formerly known as Q

Thoughts on Movies

I’m sure you have all noticed some of the commonalities you see in every movie.

For example, every cop movie involves a divorced cop, has 24 hours to solve the case and is about to get kicked off the force. No? How about the commonality of the L-shaped covers, where the covers go to the guy’s waist yet somehow cover the lady upto her “what-whats.”

Ya I’m sure you’ve read about these in emails or noticed them yourself on movies or tv shows.

Well here is one that I think I have noticed for years but not read anyone else bitching about it so allow me to take this rant on my own little tangent, I call it… back to drama.

Ever notice that as soon as a character is about to reveal a deep dark secret about themselves or talk about a scarring moment in their lives, they always turn their back to the person they are talking to and stare out a window or into nothingness? It always goes does something like this:
Peter: How come you have a fear of penguins?
Jane: Well (as she turns her back to Peter and looks out a window), it all started…

Honestly what is that? When was the last time you were talking to a friend of yours and they turned around so you could talk to their back as they let their hearts flow? I know I wouldn’t do that, not only is it disrespectful to the person you are talking to, it is also dangerous. Dangerous? Yes dangerous! You are in danger of getting knocked out with a fish bonker, dragged out to the nearest farm and left in the stall with the bull that is in heat.

Hell if someone ever did that while we were talking trying to make a dramatic moment of it, I would follow through with three things that would teach them not to get dramatic!

They would follow as such:
a) Knock 'em out with a fish bonker
b) Take 'em to a manure farm
c) Let the animals do their business
d) Hell , I’d help the animals out too!

Ignorant heifers!