Elections, the STDs of Politics

With the upcoming elections, we hear the same clichés and fallacious promises from each party. The campaign ads each party has leaves a nostalgic taste for the old detergent commercials where the product claims to be new and improved. Well, which is it ya hillbilly bastards? Something can’t be new and improved at the same time, it is one or the other; NOT both! Being the ever benevolent patron that your are, you decide to give the product the benefit of the doubt. You go to your local supermarket, pick it up and try it out. The decision is usually made when you are not thinking clearly. You are edgy, anxious, nervous, nauseous…. Hell, you’re drunk when you decide to stop dancing and make your move.

Making your move to that ‘new and improved’ detergent can be the same as making a move on that lab partner you’ve had a crush on for what seems like an eternity. It is usually when you’re drunk, drunker than usual because you need that extra liquid courage. And if you are not careful when you go to vote, it can end up like that extremely drunken night you and your lab partner decide to conduct your own little experiment. In the end, it leaves a crusty, flaky finish all over the front of your favourite pants. Or was that just me???

I digress, allow me to draw another bar illustration/comparison to the tangent at hand. During election season, politicians be equated to the sleazy scotch swilling cassanova at the local bar. He will say and do whatever it takes to get you in bed.

Speaking of getting you into bed, allow me to segue way you into my main tangent. You see, politics is much like sex and if you don’t practice safe sex, you will end up getting effed…and not in the good way. They say elections are about choice and your right to choose, I disagree. Your right to choose includes your choice to say no or in this case, your choice to say none of the above. As we all know, we do not get that option, we do not get the option to convey our dissatisfaction with the options we are presented. This thereby implies that we do not necessarily have true choice as we are forced to choose the lesser of evils. Proof being how each party tells you how the other parties are evil and the wrong choice which in my mind means they are all the wrong choice. If they are all the wrong choice, why am I being asked to pick something I don’t want? Why am I being asked to pick an ailment or a crutch I really do not want?

With that said and sticking to out analogy of ‘temporary relationships,’ I pose this to you: With the upcoming elections, you are being dictated to pick your choice of STD. Yes I said it, STD.

Allow me to elaborate…

Each candidate is that classy cassanova or sultry seductress that promises you something greater than eternal happiness while dismissing the other players’ advances on you. However what they deliver is something no one ever wants. Hell, if it were, Hallmark would be making millions on a card that says “I know I gave you an STD but I got you a card and it’s a Hallmark!

Enough school talk, allow me to get ignant…

At bat, we got pimp #1, this bald stallion with his gray moustache that would tickle your cuckolds wants to give you something special that you will definitely remember him by. Something that every time you go to pee, you curse his name, you curse his name because it burns like hell. Yo, R. Kelly! Does it also burn the people you pee on or does it just make you crazy like Michael? Hmm Michael… post-Thriller Michael, vitiligo bubbles the chimpanzee loving Michael is probably the best way to describe the way this pimp and his posse operate. For those of you that don’t realize it, you are not voting for just the man, you are voting for his posse and their beliefs. You peeing is every time you buy something at the store and you are being jacked in taxes or every time you get your taxes and realize it burns, it burns worse that pouring salt on that red rash on ya buns.

A more socialist form of life in Canada wouldn’t be too bad… if you like that burning sensation when you pee. And no the ish don’t clear up on its own, you gotta take action and get rid of that son bi%$h. Seriously though, this mustached man looks like he personally inserts a giant pickle wrapped in sandpaper in his own what what before starting each day. I mean, don’t you already hear the Benny Hill beat playing in the back of your head and him running around wrecking ish? Some people may ask how you know it would burn. Honestly! This ain’t wet paint sucka, you don’t need to touch it to know it ain’t a good thing! I swear to places, you find me someone that wants to experience that burning sensation and I will vote for Benny Hill and his mustached posse.

Now let us move towards the middle,

This pimp wants to give you the gift that keeps on giving, it’s like diamonds, they are forever. And like diamonds, everyone knows you have them but no one wants to associate with you. What do I mean? Well think about the outlandish things that this pimp and his crew throw out and it ain’t for shock value. Most recent example, playboy has a press conference to chastise ‘the neighbours’ with respect to the trade embargos. In retaliation, the neighbours rep retaliates through a different press conference pretty much sayin shut the eff up or we will cut you even more than we did last time. Another example? Sure why not, not only did playboy’s predecessor leave him with a huge mess, he was caught back in the day on mike at town hall (UN) calling the neighbour and his daddy a moron. But wait! It was in French so no one would understand because no one is able to translate that language right?.

So you have decided to say no to your first two suitors, you are holding out for something better...

Well this low key understated flyboy comes sauntering towards you. He is willing to give you the silent gift that if not dealt with this properly and quickly, will lead to involuntary sterility. This flyboy will also rob and sell everything you possess and hold dear. Hell, he would even sell your pyjamas with you in it!

By the time you wake up, your home much like the country, is bare, barren and broke. This all done because a buck can be made on each of our possessions from our precious glaciers to our unique & irreplaceable healthcare. Where the hell do you think he will subsidize his 5% GST from? Yes I know GST, much like your hubby’s best friend moving in, was a temporary thing. Well guess what? It is still here! And even after you kick that hubby out, you get comfortable with having hubby’s buddy there because they do all those little things you hate. Things like, taking out the garbage, shoveling the driveway… weird how things work out huh? Can stand that hubby for imposing their friend on you but even well after hubby moves out, buddy/buddet is still there.

Well, I think I am done…you can go now…

But wait Q, what about that other pimp and his always ‘green’ suit? Or what about that lover that will eventually want a ‘separation’?

Lookey hya, there are certain things you just don’t talk about. You don’t talk about yeast infections because only a particular portion of the population can or will get it. And even when that population has it, you don’t see them going around bragging about it!

I just got my cheque in the mail…

Oh ya? Well I just got a yeast infection so screeeeeeeeeew YOU!

Green… Come on? We know we all need to be socially conscious but do we need to feel guilty about it everyday? Hell I would feel guilty for breathing because I would be told everyday that I am destroying the environment with my toxic exhalations!

Another tangent brought to you by yours truly… the insane mind of a funky homo-sapien formerly known as Q